I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i think i have two assholes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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