Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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