Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
