OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
