These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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