I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I want to be your penis for a week.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
