3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
