My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
