I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
