Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
