Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
