; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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