I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
