Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
