My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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