Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
