I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
