oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
