I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
