this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
