tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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