my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
