nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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