You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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