How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
