And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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