I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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