dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
