considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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