do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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