does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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