Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
