You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I supernannyed him into submission
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
