i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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