my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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