im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
