she smelled like a LAN party
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
