So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
