so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
