Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
