My girlfriend figured out who you are.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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