You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
