Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
