Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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