Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
