dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
stop calling my apartment porn island.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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