Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
