Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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