Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
