the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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